I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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