He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
