you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
