Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
