Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
