I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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