What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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