He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i think my cat just said my name.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
