My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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