so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
