I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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