Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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