From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
