Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
