How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize