Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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