Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
