Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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