Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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