You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
