I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize