Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
