Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
