i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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