why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
