We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize