my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think your dad took our porno
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
