The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
