Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
