so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm going to jail i love you
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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