Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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