My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
