Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
