when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
