I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
