I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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