Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
