Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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