How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
