Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
