you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
