I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
