He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Even my vagina gasped.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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