We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
