how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
