i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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