Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
