You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My hand turned me down
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
