I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
