I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
