i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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