Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
