why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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