i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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