oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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