I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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