I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
